1988 is ‘Cleveland’s Tribute to 80’s Hard Ro…’ holy shit, is that a chainsaw penis?

I was cleaning out the memory of my phone, erasing my ‘Leonard Nimoy Sings Bilbo Baggins’ and ‘My Buddy Commercial’ ring tones, and also offloading all of the low grade and silly pictures I’d snapped over the last few months. The first one to catch my eye was a snap of a poster I took at a local burgers-and-trivia place that Stretch and I visit called Scorchers (always said with great flair and a slight lisp). This was a poster for an upcoming band night featuring self-styled ‘Cleveland’s Tribute to 80’s Hard Rock’, 1988.

1988

I don’t even know where to begin.

Lets start with the fact that the vocalist is holding a chainsaw as if it were a two-stroke (ha ha!), gas powered, tree hewing extension of his cock. And this isn’t your everyday, STIHL chainsaw – no, this is a Farm Tough brand chainsaw, a brand which returned only a few articles online, mostly about product recalls and chicken porn. This chainsaw, though, must be well built and rather heavy as it’s causing the singer’s muscles to bulge slightly, accentuating his Star of David bicep tattoo. I really, really hope that this cat is Jewish and not just someone who wanted an evil pentagram tattoo and is horrible at math.

Chainsaw aside, we zoom back to find four men who’s hairlines seem to be the only thing that has escaped the late 80’s. The Jack Daniel’s shirt, while bad, isn’t nearly as out of touch as the Lube-Stop-esque workman shirt with name patches. We used to get these from thrift stores back in the 80’s; I’ll wager this came from his day job. Another thing this poster is missing, besides class, is sleeves. Not a sleeve in the joint! I don’t remember a lot of my misspent youth, but I do vaguely remember that we did, in fact, have sleeves in the 80’s. There are two ball caps, one of which is backwards, which may, using some obscure formula of the secretive and complex Mathematics of Fashion, make up for the missing sleeves, but I’d not put any money on that.

They advertise their style as ‘Preforming the hits of Bon Jovi, Poison, Skid Row, Motley Crüe’ and their ilk. This should be enough to scare away all but the most fervent of hair band aficionados, but coupled with the long, thin hair, pouts, grimaces and dazed expressions, or what looks like the bass player pointing at the photographer and confusedly asking the bass player “Is that a camera?”, these guys are so typically Cleveland that it’s a surprise they actually aren’t opening for some weird, Finnish Nü-Metal band at a Rock Hall induction Ceremony for The Hostile Amish. How many people still listen to Motley Crüe and Twisted Sister anymore? Enough that these guys are still gigging, apparently!

Finally, one must mention the circular info-nuggets ala Pop-Up Video adorning each band members beer gut. Here, then, is the actual text as well as a translation of what it actually means:

Dave Belanger – Bass Slappin’ -n- Makin’ it Happen!
Drug dealer.

Al Paris – Vocalizing’ -n- Socializin’
Gigolo in training.

Robin Steele – Axe Grindin’ -n- Pile Drivin’
Amateur Porn Actor.

J. Crypt – Drum Bashin’ -n- Cymbal Thrashin’
He’s the drummer. Never fuck with the drummer, man.

I have no idea if these guys suck or rock out but damn – this is the most entertaining poster I’ve seen in a long time. I’d actually go see these guys if it wasn’t for my unnatural fear of being sodomized by forestry equipment.

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