Maniacal Ventures

Asshole Driving Maneuvers: The Lead Off

This particularly rage inspiring move happens when a driver, usually in an SUV, minivan or 18 foot high block of cement on wheels, who is in the left of two lanes at a stop light, moves up past the delineated ‘stop here on red’ line, onto the crosswalk and sometimes even past it and into the street. You, in the right lane and with the ability to turn right on red, now are unable to see oncoming traffic unless you move up even farther, guaranteeing you will get clipped by some bitch in an H3 who was too busy dialing her life-coach to see you.

Let me start off by pointing out these assholes that even by moving up three whole feet your late model Windstar isn’t going to gain a spectacular advantage. I can safely guarantee that your commute will not be noticeably decreased in any way. This isn’t NASCAR or a drag race, and McDonald’s will still have that Fillet of Fish sandwich special  0.023 seconds after you would have shown up if you hadn’t moved your vehicle halfway into the god damn intersection.

Don’t get me wrong, the lead off has its place. Take professional baseball, for instance. The lead off can assist a runner in stealing a base, a move which when preformed correctly can lead to a lucrative sports drink or underwear endorsement deal and even get you on the ESPN highlight reel. The problem is that for the people who do the automotive lead off, their only chance to get on a highlight reel is in a 15 second grainy cell phone video of them nearly choking to death on a half of a foot long hot dog they were cramming down their bloated food-hole to make hand room for an armload of $15 a cup, watered down Coor’s Light and a grande steak nacho. Hopefully the commentator will call them Fatty Smurf and mock their personal hygiene.

Again, this move completely shows not only contempt for other drivers and your chronically inflated ego, it’s also about as pointless as Elton John buying tampons, unless, of course, he has a visitor who’s menstruating or has a sucking chest wound, or both. You gain no real advantage and you piss off someone for no real reason. Congratulations, you are now a stereotype.

My point is, your tax dollars paid for someone to come and paint a line on the road which tells you where to stop at a red light. Please use it. Jerk.

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