Maniacal Ventures

“Stop Politicizing My Rapture Fantasy!”

I’d like to call on all of you zombie sheep Christians to try a little thought experiment. I know that your priest, preacher, monsignor or other local cult church leader has indoctrinated you into believing that free thinking and open mindedness is a sin and that anyone who says anything that isn’t exactly what said ‘leader’ wants you to hear is wrong, even if there is factual evidence to back it up. That lack of dialog or doubt or questioning is becoming a real problem, and some of us are a little worried about you. I may be wrong in what I am about to say, but then again, I can apologize and admit that I am wrong. Your church, on the other hand, hardly admits to any atrocity or indecency committed because of its dogma even though it hasn’t changed much since the time that your instruction manual was written, a both ignorant and intellectually sparse time compared to humanity’s current store of knowledge. For example, if you are on the operating table and a woman who has spent the last 15 years or her life studying advanced medicine is slicing into your chest to remove a blockage from your still beating heart to save your very life, yet she’s an atheist, you would believe a statement she made on, say, human reproductive biology, less than you would believe a book dictated almost two thousand year ago to some Greeks by illiterate goatherds who were telling fantastical stories already hundreds of years old and passed down among generations in a way that, we all know, doesn’t allow any sort of embellishment. Oh wait, I think there’s a phrase for a tribal people passing down stories of some unexplained phenomena (sometimes called magic, conjuring or Chris Angel) as a mystical or religious event… do me a favor and go look at the wiki on Cargo Cults. It may help if you can see similar behavior applied to outsiders. When you get back, lets talk about the politicization of your faith, OK?

One thing that I’ve noticed, especially during this voting season is that certain fervent Christians will vote Republican no matter what the candidate says or does. You would think a corrupt candidate who doesn’t really follow any of Christianity’s tenets would be considered blasphemous for using his religion for political favor, but churches push people to vote not only for a candidate but for any candidate from a specific party, regardless of his religious piety or even ability as a candidate. It strange to me that this even works, and even stranger that it’s so actively and successfully used by the Right. It’s not like our parties are all that inherently different or that the differences between out parties are purely issues of conservatism. Our liberals seem to attract a certain audience, mainly those who are opposed to restricting personal liberties, but there are Christians over on the left. Our conservative party seem attract people who want a father figure who has (in theory only, it seems) a high moral standard who will tell them what to do, and there are plenty of non-Christians over there too. That Christians seem to prefer the Right, seems to me, because so many of them are already indoctrinated and are comfortable with, and even depend on, this kind of order and authority from their church. But, really, when you strip away all the many issues, debates, personalities, backgrounds, complicated mumbo-jumbo like political agendas and other filler, the main difference between our parties is one simple term: ‘pro-life‘. If you scream ‘pro-life’ at the top of your lungs, Christians will vote for you. John McCain works with, supports, is supported by, has been bribed by and surrounds himself with advisers who are the worst kind Wall Street bailing, investment-firm-CEO scum. He is up to his inflamed jowl glands in the kind of extorting, greedy money-changers that Angry Jesus would have beat with a club that he miraculously created near-instantaneously from nothing but a simple tree branch, if he had been in a smiting mood and he had actually existed. But McCain will get huge numbers in the polls simply because he’s against abortion. That’s it. His failed policies, support of a traitorous president and bribery scandal should be, among many other things, enough of a deterrent to voters so that the closest he got to a Presidential Ticket is looking at a photocopy through his bi-focals. And after that rotting albatross Palin was thrown onto the ticket by McCain’s handlers like a parent making their kid take the drooling, helmet wearing and mentally handicapped kid from next door with him when he goes out to play with the big boys, I would have guessed that the Republican’s chances would have fallen faster than a retiree’s AIG 401k fund’s net value. But that bitch‘s angry, insulting and lie filled rhetoric is so pro-life that even parading her pregnant, underage daughter and forcing rape victims to buy their own rape kits because they contain a single contraceptive, isn’t enough to deter voters and actually made some rabid fundies cheer for her even more. I’m surprised she isn’t arguing we should stop playing baseball because the rare line-drive-to-the-balls could harm a sperm, which could have, maybe, you know, become a baby some day.

Abortion. That’s a keyword that, when uttered, reflexively shuts down half this country’s critical thinking and turns them into badly-spelled sign waiving and embarrassing morons who complain loudly that killing a blastocyte, which contains an infinitesimal fraction of the cells than a human body sheds every second, is tantamount to murder, yet killing a man, painfully, with thousands of volts of electricity, even if he may be mentally retarded and have the emotional maturity of a 6 year old, is not only acceptable, it’s cheered on. You can’t have it both ways, ass-hats – if you can’t kill a cluster of tiny cells because it’s murder, then you can’t execute a man for crimes, no matter how heinous, because that’s also murder. And if these rationalizing douche-bags want to claim that the cell-wad is innocent and the sinner got his just desserts, remind them that there was only one Mary, one Immaculate Conception and therefore only one innocent soul born into this world according to their own crazy, convoluted and contradictory cult-manual. This means that, according to church dogma, every aborted fetus, as well as any miscarriages, even a single zygote cell, is not only carrying a fully developed soul, but is guilty of Original Sin and will go to hell unless baptized. Well, wait a second! If it’s deserving of hell, maybe we should electrocute all fetuses! Or maybe, if you are so pro-life, you can come up with a new method for baptizing embryos. I mean, if you truly want to save the souls of babies, you gotta get proactive and start humping for a new law forcing all American woman to regularly douche with holy water. This would be like the proverbial ‘two birds with one stone’ since you can then stop inoculating teenage girls with nympho-whore shots and just wash ’em out with holy water which, I just made up with the same amount of scientific evidence as 99% of most Christian doctrine, cures cancer, prevents unwanted pregnancies and leaves your woman-bits smelling slightly of myrrh.

If this sounds even slightly ridiculous to you, that’s how Radical Fundamentalist Evangelical Christians sound to me every time they open their stinking Euharist-holes. By the way, If you are considering Googling ‘embryonic baptism ‘, then you scare the fuck out of me. The fact that there are over fifty thousand results scares me further.

Then there’s wealth. They tell you that the poor and meek shall inherit the earth, or some such garbage. You know what this sounds like to an outsider? It sounds like this: “If you are rich or you don’t immediately bow down and kiss my jeweled sandals, you are going to burn in a fiery pit of burning liquid rock for ever, amen.” So you give them money with the rationalization that they it will help those less fortunate, but then next week Rev. Erpressungsversuch is driving a new Lexus LX570 while there’s still local families eating Purina & Ramen Casserole.

I went to a Catholic school when I was younger. It was a fine old church filled with beautifully lacquered wood pews and floor to ceiling stained glass murals whose tops were hidden in the clouds and was filled with enough frankincense smoke to dry cure a herd of buffalo. I thought it was all shit, but it at least felt kind of traditional and simple in it’s grandeur and mostly harmless, unlike the scary Evangelical nonsense we have today, which is blatantly a cult and has recently been moved in my ‘Scary Shit File’ under the same category heading as ‘Radical Muslims’ and ‘Gun Toting Alaskan Separatists’. Why, if Christians promote poverty, was that place was so damn rich! Let’s take a second and think! You may hear it called god’s house, but unless I’m mistaken, the mail is addressed to a Rev. So-and-so and that deadbeat, god, hasn’t paid his half of the rent in, like, forever! The pope lives in a palatial mansion of marble with golden chalices gilded stair runners and chandeliers made from water crystal and pagan’s ear bones, while walking around in long, gold threaded, flowing robes on the way to his fucking gilt throne. Do you honestly think that if there is a god, he’s sitting up in Heavenville thinking, “Fuck those starving orphans. I need use my Omnipo-Powers® making sure that some old guy remains stinking rich and that his armor plated car doesn’t stall as he’s driven around to wave at people!” This shit isn’t there to make god happy, it’s there to make the rich, powerful priest, pope, bishop, abbot or other ‘leader’ who lives there happy.

Do you think that clear cutting acres of forest for the wood, strip mining the side of mountains and polluting streams and ground water to mine the gold, marble, gems and metals, all the environmental chaos and destruction of ‘god’s work’ to build, for a deity who is all powerful and resides in heaven, thousands of little houses, just so that some squatter mouthpiece who does little but re-read an old book can live in resplendent luxury while spending the congregation’s money on Hummers (the vehicular kind) and hummers (the paid cock sucking by a prostitute kind) is god’s will? Do you think Leonardo Da Vinci would have been happy if you had cut a chunk from the Mona Lisa, washed it off and used it to scribble a grocery list? The reason they don’t want you to think about or question them is because it makes no real sense. They scare you with threats of hell, telling you to live a life of poverty and humility while the sweat of your labor funds their palaces and heaven-on-earth lifestyles. Of course they don’t want you to question it. You might not want to foot the bill anymore.

Some say the church does good, but I disagree. I think the church is a corrupt and evil establishment that sustains it’s extravagant wealth at the expense of the people it claims to support. It tells people to do good to legitimize itself, and it is the people in a religion who do good, even as the church takes credit. I haven’t seen the pope selling off large chunks of Vatican City or announcing new canonical law making it preferable to worship in a field of flowers and for priests to live in shabby tents and donate every penny to charity. The last big payment the church made appears to be hush money for the multiple rape suits against priests. People do good, and they do it with or without the church. The church, on the other hand, uses people, hurts people, and will brainwash, lie, and use its massive wealth and power to affect politics to keep itself in a position to continue to collect that wealth and keep that power. Also, even though some churchgoers may do charity work and benefit others, I’m most definitely not saying that all church people do good!  Even though the bible has multiple sections on wealth being a bad thing, I constantly see people driving vehicles that could each pay for shoes for over 4,000 African orphans. This wouldn’t bug me so much if it weren’t for that big, chome-esqe Jesus-fish sticker on the back proudly letting everyone know how Christian they are. This is usually next to a non-permanent magnet praising their patriotism and definite lack of any bumper stickers praising their child’s academic prowess. Quick aside: no one gives a fuck about your beliefs and that stupid fish makes me want tailgate you and then cut you off in traffic. Also, in case you didn’t know, the ‘Jesus fish’ is yet another symbol that the Christians have ‘borrowed’ from pagans and other popular religions and was, previous to it’s incarnation as secret symbol for Christians hiding from roaming Roman messiah-murdering death squads was a symbol used by a fertility goddess which, if you turn it on it’s side, becomes a nice representation of a vagina and anus. Thank you, Christians, for plastering primitive porn on your bumpers.

My point, I think, is that I get angry when I see talented and smart (or even stupid and lazy) people blindly following this rubbish: giving their money to already rich pedophiles or to  crooks who are talented brain washers or even the occasional true believers who are trying to make the world a better place, albeit by quoting some ancient myth as reality and quashing intellectual discussion, frowning on curiosity and deifying the acceptance of other peoples, cultures or beliefs while making themselves and their congregations just that much stupider, more close minded and more paranoid of outsiders. We now have grown men and women who live in a fantasy world that actually believes that some supernatural war will happen soon where skeletons riding horses will make it rain fire from the sky and these people will fly up to cloud-land to sit with their big, white-bearded, blond, pale god to spend eternity watching us heathens, some of whom, after leading much more good and just lives yet had failed to tell a parole board or Fox News reporter that they accepted Jesus as their O.P.S., are now stuck on a burning and demon filled earth babysitting true believer‘s pets. Some of them are even running for high political office.

Hey, I like that. True Believers. Let’s get the Fudies to co-opt that so that I can imagine Stan Lee narrating every time I hear a biblical quote:

In the beginning, true believer, GodMan *POW* created the heavens *WHAMMO* and the earth…

No… for some reason it still sounds fishy to me.

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