Maniacal Ventures

SUV Safety Test Results are In… *ACK!!* …oh, jeez, I just laughed so hard coffee shot out of my nose!

My disdain for over large vehicles and my firm belief in their owner’s lack of mental capacity isn’t a secret. There are some people who could generally profit from owning an SUV. Most owners, on the other hand, want large, flashy billboards that cry out “Look at me! I am important and wealthy and have a large penis!” even if they are women, which scares me.

If you have an eight child family and an hour commute, you might need an SUV.

If your job requires you to tote three hundred-odd pounds of scientific testing apparatus into the swampy heart of a peat bog to study the intricate mating rituals of the Great Crested Newt, you might need an SUV.

If you are a balding, middle aged ass-bag who’s toting nothing but a set of golf clubs, a laptop stolen from your last job and your wedding ring (in a cup holder next to some Binaca and a condom) to the local coffee shop to pretend you’re day-trade while sipping your whipped-creamy mocha and casually stalking the hot, pink haired barista with the tongue ring who’s two decades younger than you, you most definitely do not need an SUV.

If you are twenty-something and wearing an overpriced, baggy jersey, some overpriced baggy jeans (pulled down so that the crotch is below your knees like a parasail) and an overpriced baggy ball cap and toting nothing more than two unemployed friends and a nickel bag of skunk weed on your way to drive around for hours, looking for busy people to grimace and glare at angrily after you cut them off in traffic, you most definitely do not need an SUV.

As a matter of fact, most people don’t need an SUV. These gas guzzlers are exacerbating global warming, which is bad for everyone, but this is true to a lesser extent for every vehicle on the road, so we’ll concede this one until I can afford a non-shitty car that runs on dreams and exhausts nothing but Skittles and rabbit farts.

Unlike passenger vehicles, they are higher up which makes pedestrian visibility an issue, but it also means their bumpers are at a neck-destroying and head-imploding height to other motorists. Drivers also think that their SUVs are safer. They think they are so much safer than a regular coupe or sedan (exponential to the size and cost of the SUV) that they forget that if you drive like an asshole, no SUV in the world will compensate: there is no Jesus SUV that can drive on water or instantly gain traction on black ice, and if you drive 90mph on an iced-over highway while cutting lanes, you are probably going to need to drop your cell phone and half eaten cheese danish and start trying to remember how to get out of a spin. This winter, on the worst and most icy days, I saw a lot of SUVs spun out on the side of the highway yet very few cars, owning, I assume, to the fact that people with 4×4 assume they are safer and are therefore drive much more carelessly.

So, between the size, visibility, false sense of security and bumper height, they are bad for other drivers.


Their excuse has been, after the previous facts were made clear, that they were ‘driving an SUV to keep their family safe’. Pointing out to an SUV driver that “You just severed the heads of the entire family in that Geo you just ran down” could be countered with the excuse that they were just being a good parent and providing their children a small, armored tank, (which was necessary only because of the other idiots driving around in small, armored tanks.) This excuse worked mainly because you couldn’t really fault a person for ignoring all logic and science in an attempt to passionately protect their family, at least not without being labeled an amoral atheist democrat bastard.

Oh, but times have changed.

A safety test has just confirmed my own belief that SUVs are now nearly totally without worth to most of the people that own them. These tests have shown that SUVs are less safe in impacts than passenger cars. The H3, the freaking mother of uselessly large, overpriced vehicles didn’t even get a top rating in frontal crashes! The big excuse for getting an SUV, the great blanket ruse that covered all of the small penises, the emasculated and deflated egos, the shame, the inadequacy and the sheepish affectation of shoddy and invented MTV culture (not to mention that fucking Mary Kay monstrosity) has finally been pulled back like the curtain under the Wizard, exposing these owners for what they are: a bunch of people who want to sit up so high that they have to crane their necks to look down at you – and that goes for off the road, too.

7 thoughts on “SUV Safety Test Results are In… *ACK!!* …oh, jeez, I just laughed so hard coffee shot out of my nose!

  1. My wife and I EACH drive #4 on the some offensive list: Jeep Grand Cherokee V8.

    Why ?

    I want to do my part to push $8.00 per gallon. I want to wear tank tops and shorts to work every day.
    No really, I just want to increase your blood pressure.

    How self centered does a person have to be to come to the conclusion that based on WRONG INFORMATION, Humans caused BLOODY GLOBAL WARMING.

    Despite cold hard facts, you all want to short the USA Economy.

    Everybody is up in arms because the oil companies are making “record profits”. Did anyone notice that is because of RECORD DEMAND? RECORD VOLUMES ?

    HOW ABOUT looking at PERCENTAGE of profits ?

    Oil companies are lucky to make 9% profit. Consider that your local eatery is gorging on 30% profit. Your MP3’s are still raking in 21% profits at Apple while seemingly .99cents.

    Get your stupid head out of the sand (or your ass or wherever you keep your head) and start looking at the facts.

    Meanwhile, I’ll be warming up my SUV, sipping a depth charge from Saudi-owned Caribou Coffee, and driving the LONG way so I can get around the traffic.

    No chance of buying Chavez-Citgo gasoline though.

  2. Responding to dkraft.

    Did it ever occur to you that a lot of us really don’t care one lick about corporate profits? Do you know why? Because they have no bearing on us. We don’t benefit from them. They also don’t help the US economy except for in the most minimal and illusory ways. They are merely an abstract concept that only benefit anyone who makes a six figure salary or higher. The rest of us (and there are a lot more of us than you) aren’t foolish enough to believe that we’re stimulating the U.S. economy by buying bourgemobiles and burning soldier blood in combustion engines.

    The problem with morons like you is that you can’t be bothered to think about how you are affecting the world. That’s because your mind can’t wrap itself around the simple concept that we’re all interconnected. Every action you take affects someone. But people like you prefer to believe the world revolves around you. You are stuck in your teen mentality. You like to tell yourself that you are where you are in life because you deserve to be. In all likelihood, you just had a better start than most of us through the pure lottery of being born to your middle class or wealthy parents. That action didn’t take talent, ability or intelligence. It’s highly likely that you squandered more opportunities than you properly utilized so you could continue your hedonistic march into mediocrity. What a tragedy! Not for you, but for those who could have used those opportunities to greater effect. You could have just as easily been born into a poor family in the south with multiple generations of poverty and no opportunities. Do not kid yourself, you’re simply lucky. Nothing more. If you can’t grasp that, you fail to understand one of the most basic concepts of life: it’s all chance and you have no control over it.

    You are also addicted to consumption. And for that, you are the most gullible and foolish of individuals. You labor under the delusion that what you own is what you are. But, if someone were to set fire to your house, blow your car up, destroy your finances and smear your identity, who would you really be then? I know exactly who… You’d be the same exact fearful man child you were the day you posted your idiotic response. Only this time, the fun party would be over and you would be unprepared to handle real life. Enjoy the party while you can. I guarantee you it is coming to an end. Then what will you do? What indeed?

  3. Where do you think those corporate profits go ?
    Back into the economy stupid. Shareholders.
    Your neighbors. The guy selling custom boats. The construction guys down the street. The ISP that you are enjoying at 1mb/s +, would not happen if you had your way and abolished corporate profits.

    Your ignorance is staggering. I applaud your youthful “interconnected” idealism.
    If I am the person that cause you to get stuck at that red light and late for your job at McDonalds, then I’m laughing at you, not with you.

    I assure you I did not have a “head start” or a “Gift”. I’ve worked hard, I paid for my entire college education by working my ass off. I bought my first house at 22 years old because I knew how to write kick ass code, and got paid by a corporation in SWEDEN (thats not in the USA by the way) and spent plenty making that house better and bigger from LOCAL employment.

    You are simply a LOSER, nothing more. Luck is when opportunity meets preperation. You didnt prepare, you didnt see the opportunity because you were smoking weed or cigarettes and working through that case of pabst blue ribbon on friday instead of finding a better job or getting to sleep for a good weekend of good ole’ american opportunity.

    I used to be sad for your type, but now I could give a sh_t. Chance is whether your drunk ass gets on the wrong way on the highway and plows into my family, or crosses the centerline on the way home from your afternoon of drug abuse.

    I am addicted to consumption and I am proud of it. Get paid, get laid and look at the helpless pathetic cross on the side of the road where your friends wrapped it up on a telephone pole.

    I’m with George Carlin these days, watching the circus and praying for my children’s avoidance of the LOSERS who think the world is chance. You think the world is chance because you are WAITING for the lottery to make you happy, you are waiting for the government to GIVE you a higher wage because you cant get a better job on talent or hard work.

    So post your video of your sister cat fighting on youtube and your girlfriend smoking crack at work, better yet the one of your friends setting themselves on fire. Those are my favorite.

    Indeed, I sleep well.

  4. Wow. I was going to respond about how you completely missed the point, which was about how SUVs are getting bad marks at safety tests, and instead defensively attacked environmental concerns, even though I pointedly remarked that I wasn’t talking about them. It was like the guy who comes home from a Vegas business meeting and answers his wife’s “How was the conference” with a shouted “I didn’t screw a hooker!” Your Freudian slip and angry response show both that you are tired of answering to your friends, family and passer-by for buying an SUV as well as the guilt you feel but are too macho to admit.

    As far as your second response, I think it’s funny how the SUV driver spews out enraged, brainless insults, rationalizations and implied threats, going to far as actually wishing harm on people and their family, all because his ‘manhood’ was questioned. You represent perfectly the typical SUV driver that I was satirically representing in the piece. Seriously, the only blood pressure that needs checking is yours. Who gives even the smallest feather of a flying fuck that you coded for SWEDEN (yes, I am aware of the fact that it is not in the USA. Thanks for the all caps, Professor Geography.)

    If you have something intelligent to say, please, go ahead. If you are going to spout hatred and bile because someone pointed out that your $50,000 land yacht is less safe to yourself and other motorists than a cheaper, more fuel friendly passenger car thereby making your purchase a glaring badge of inflated egotism and/or low-self esteem, then why don’t you go over to Bill O’Reilly or the Fox News forums, where your brand of seething self hatred and tenuous grasp on reality are the status quo.

  5. Second response to dkraft:

    Wonderful conjecture my foe… But you were wrong on every count.

    -Late 30s
    -In the tech industry (non-profit sector in metropolitan organization and well respected)
    -Don’t drink
    -Don’t smoke
    -Don’t do drugs
    -Make enough money and I have enough of a conscience to limit investment to things that will do less harm than good which means… less return.
    -Not a commie
    -Not a socialist
    -Do not hate capitalism as long as it’s well regulated to prevent a multitude of abuses
    -Patriotic as long as it truly means in support of peace and unity instead of death and profit
    -I take more personal responsibility than even the most stalwart libertarian since I’m a complete and total DIYer in every aspect of life, to a fault. But I fully believe in a safety net since failure is always possible no matter who you are.

    However, none of that really matters does it? Your fractured ego jaw needs attending to. So sorry.

  6. So back to the point:

    Yes I drive an SUV, No, its not less safe than your Subaru or Volvo. I’ll take your blown stopsign or red light from your foreign car any day, with my wife and kids in the back.

    Yes, I’m addicted to consumption, its not affecting you so go fuck yourself and do some research on your “better than a stalwart libertarian” stance, because my consumption and support for great american investments and failures isn’t affecting your life.

    The Point you started with was laughing at SUV drivers – I’m laughing at you, not with you. again.
    I’m getting 22mpg – if that’s a gas guzzler, then I’d like to know what you are averaging. I built my engine with my own hands with ceramic combustion chambers and dry film lubricants. You couldn’t imagine the satisfaction.

    For the record, its not the SUV that makes the man, its the red flags: Golfer, Latte, Screaming out of control kids., Saabs, Volvos or smoking.

    I gotta go burn some styrofoam or something to enhance global warming after wasting time here.

  7. Lost the paragraph there – For the record, its not the SUV that makes the man, its the red flags: Golfer, Latte, Screaming out of control kids., Saabs, Volvos or smoking.
    Those are the morons you need to avoid. The masses sucking down the mainstream media, voting democrat or whining about the war. Ok, off topic, sorry, lets get back to the thread…

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